Here’s part of a book I’m writing, based on my experience in 2007 when I died and came back twice in one day. It was caused by something I’d never heard of before: swelling of the brain, or encephalitis. My book explores what happened, and six other close-call and near-death experiences — before and after encephalitis. This chapter ties mine into another writer’s story, one who devoted her life to solving a devastating murder mystery.
For those of you who've been compelled to solve a mystery that could save lives, there is something you need to see.
If you’ve investigated a murder, or searched for a serial killer, or reported it for a newspaper, or written a true-crime book, or a mystery novel, or if you’ve been fascinated with this subject matter to the point of obsession — there is a miniseries you have got to see.
If you have access to HBO, Amazon Prime Video, or Hulu, or if you can find it on DVD or Blue-ray, I’d encourage you to watch the ‘I’ll Be Gone in the Dark’ miniseries. It’s a riveting tale of a writer turned serial killer hunter, who lead law enforcement to eventually identifying and capturing the Golden State Killer.
That would be Joseph James DeAngelo Jr., a serial killer, serial rapist, burglar, and former police officer who committed at least 13 murders, more than 50 rapes, and over 100 burglaries in California between 1974 and 1986. DeAngelo, age 74, plead guilty multiple times in a Sacramento courtroom on June 29, 2020, to a plea agreement that will spare him the death penalty for a life sentence with no chance of parole.
The writer was Michelle McNamara, and the miniseries is based on her true-crime book I'll Be Gone in the Dark: One Woman's Obsessive Search for the Golden State Killer. She’d died unexpectedly in 2016 while writing the book. Her husband, actor and comedian Patton Oswalt, made sure that the book got finished and published.
“It was her book and it’s an amazing book. I wanted to do right by her," Oswalt told EW in 2018.
McNamara died in her sleep during the spring of 2016, in her family's Los Angeles home at the age of 46. According to an autopsy report, her death was attributed to the effects of multiple drugs, including Adderall, alprazolam (Xanax) and fentanyl. Atherosclerotic cardiovascular disease was considered to be a contributing factor. The coroner ruled it to be an accidental overdose. She’d left behind Oswalt and their now 11-year-old daughter Alice.
The writer had been concerned that she wasn’t being a good mom, having been so obsessed and absorbed with investigating the killer and writing the manuscript for more than five years just prior to her death. Her investigative methods were unconventional and put her in touch with key sources critical to uncovering the killer. She’d compiled about 3,500 files on her computer about who the killer could have been, and reached out to investigators to turn them over.
Episode 4 is called “The Motherlode,” where McNamara and a colleague drive to an Orange County Sheriff’s Department office to retrieve 37 boxes of records. They loaded them into the two SUVs they’d driven. This took place in late 2015, after which the writer plunged into the information. It took its toll along with the medications she was taking to keep working at that pace. She died April 21, 2016, not that long after receiving the records.
Why I had to keep watching it
So why do I identify so heavily with McNamara and what she went through? And why would I suggest that I wasn’t the only one?
A few things. One was my attempt to break in as a mystery novelist; another was going through the hiring process to become a police officer; and there’s taking medication for ADHD including one that McNamara had used at the end of her life; and then there’s the big one: being a writer — something I have to honor and make time for daily, or else I will deeply regret having skipped it.
When you’re writing a book (or an essay, poem, article, etc.), it’s not at all easy. When someone uses the term “writer’s block,” it usually means he or she is stuck and can’t go forward on the writing.
Then there’s the research. For McNamara, it was getting close to people who’d been impacted by DeAngelo to open up and talk about it during interviews. That included victims of the assaults — something they hadn’t talked about in years. It could also be a social worker or a homicide detective who’d retired years ago, and couldn’t let go of bringing the Golden State Killer to justice. McNamara could get them to open up, and taped much of it for her book. You’ll hear some of it while watching the documentary.
She had to tell the story as it really happened — and to contribute all that she was capable of. That meant helping law enforcement be able to catch the psychotic rapist and killer, and offering some sort of cathartic release and closure for many people whose lives had been devastated by DeAngelo.
This researcher, interviewer, and author, had a cause — a mission — that could mean saving lives. Another important goal she seemed to have was helping victims shut the door on the past, to help them feel they’d done all they could to stop the rapist and killer from ruining more lives.
McNamara was living the life of an investigative reporter, though she never worked for a news media outlet. It started for her In 2006, when she launched her TrueCrimeDiary website. She’d had a life-long fascination with true crime originating from the unsolved murder of Kathleen Lombardo that happened two blocks from where she lived when she was young. Later on, viewers learn that she’d also been sexually assaulted by an employer years earlier.
Her blog led to taking on finding out the patterns and habits of the Golden State Killer. She’d soon find out that he’d been operating under other identities thought up by police and news reporters, and that his rape and killing spree had started years earlier near Sacramento.
Becoming an investigative reporter
My first experience with investigative reporting happened unexpectedly in the summer of 1985. I was working as a reporter for the Seal Beach Journal, waiting to hear when my acceptance would be cleared and my school year would start nearly 400 miles away at the Santa Clara University School of Law. But I was glad to get the reporter job, without even a degree in journalism; that would happen a few years later. I had gained experience writing for a student newspaper — enough to get the summer job at the small newspaper. I thought I was on my way to becoming a lawyer, hopefully working for social justice — for the ACLU, as a public defender, or something like it.
It turned out that one of the local residents, Andrija Artukovic, was the highest-ranking Nazi extradited from the US. In November 1984, he’d been arrested at his two-story townhouse in the gated Seal Beach community of Surfside Colony. I was able to attend a federal court hearing in Los Angeles in the summer of 1985. At that time, I also somehow was able to find his son’s phone number and interviewed him for a news piece on the extradition. His son, Radoslav Artukovic, passionately explained how there was no way his father could be the war criminal he’d been accused of being; and that he would fight for his vindication.
After exhausting the appeals process, Artukovic was flown back to his home country in February 1986. Two months later, he sat in a special bulletproof booth at the end of his trial as the prosecutor read the indictment against him. The Yugoslav court found him responsible for running 24 concentration camps where 700,000 to 900,000 Serbs, Jews, Gypsies and other prisoners were tortured and put to death; and responsible for the deaths of hundreds of Croations by machine gun fire and other methods.
In January 1988, the “Butcher of the Balkans” died in a Yugoslav prison hospital while awaiting execution at the age of 88. There was no cause of death reported, and his death by firing squad had been postponed as he was too frail.
The Seal Beach community was shocked that one of their neighbors could have actually been a Nazi war criminal contributing to the Holocaust. I wanted to report on the facts, to find out the truth.
After spending most of the 1990s working as an editor for automotive industry magazines, I took a job offer and switched over to market intelligence and research. That was working for a consultant in the car rental business, along with travel management and related services. A few years later, it led to a job serving in a similar role for a market research firm working in both consumer and B2B studies.
We got hired by a Japanese company to find out if some of their intellectual property had been stolen and turned into a competitive product by an American company. I led that research project, and found out that their worries had been correct.
I’d spent quite a few days digging into the American company’s patent filings, product catalogues, website pages, and more. I also conducted hours of interviews, and searched for whatever leads came out of the research. Eventually, it became obvious that their product specifications had been reproduced and repackaged as the American company’s own products they claimed to have invented and gained patent rights for.
I never got to find out how that one turned out, as these corporate espionage incidents tend to stay hidden in the background. But after that experience, and what I’d gained in 1985 pursuing the story of whether the Seal Beach resident was really a Nazi war criminal, I gained a real sense of how people get drawn, absorbed, and obsessed with the work and the lifestyle. That could be as an investigative journalist, a blogger, a true-crime author, a private investigator, or a homicide detective. It could come from someone who finds out about the horror, and just has to find out what happened.
Whatever gets you into the investigation, it really boils down to the challenge of living this way while also living in reality. The investigator, along with creative people — that could encompass writer, musician, singer, actor, director, visual artist, and more — faces the demands of making a living, being in relationships, and dealing with the impact this work is having on their lives. It can consume their day and night — and cost a great deal.
Police officers and homicide detectives can be casualties to the heavy demands of that way of life. Their lives can be consumed by the work. They deal with a great deal of stress, including the potential of taking a life or losing their own.
But the rewards are there for creative types and those working in law enforcement and emergency services; and as I said, if they don’t honor creating that work and sharing it with the world especially if justice is at stake, it will haunt many of them.
In the 1990s into the 2000s, I read a lot of mystery and true-crime books. I wanted to be a mystery novelist, and did a lot writing. That process included attending meetings of Mystery Writers of America’s chapter for the Los Angeles area. I sat at luncheon tables with fascinating folks, including Michael Connelly as he was getting his Harry Bosch mystery series moving along to great success.
My mother had been a newspaper reporter for about a year during World War II. As we grew up, mom would take our school papers and rewrite and type them up. We looked like great writers in the third grade, and raised a few eyebrows among our teachers.
Years later, I would borrow her mystery novels — such as John D. MacDonald’s Travis McGee books. I would later tell her she needed to read my favorites — Lawrence Block and Donald Westlake (and his Parker series under the Richard Stark pseudonym).
I couldn’t finish my own manuscript, which ended as a first draft. I’d asked a published author from MWA to read the first chapters and make some clear, tangible suggestions, which he did; and they made perfect sense. But I let that book go and walked away from it.
It was the story of a murdered entrepreneur who’d created a theme park based on the 1960s — where you could be a hippy, war protester, civil rights activist, rock star, go-go dancer, and much more. I’d loved the social commentary and intrigue that came out of mystery novels — going back to Agatha Christie, Dashiell Hammett, and Raymond Chandler. It seemed to be an ideal channel to make it as a writer, and one of my books might end up being used in a film or TV series.
One thing I’d always heard from authors speaking during the luncheons was advice to do whatever you had to do to keep writing, getting your stories, novels, and screenplays, out there; all this while following your heart. But I had writer’s block for my ‘60s theme park murder mystery, and turned my time and attention to the next project.
That included finding a good job that would last. After being laid off a job in market research, I somehow became compelled to become a police officer. Having a father who’d been a firefighter in LA had its influence; as did living through the LA riots in a quarantined neighborhood in Long Beach years earlier. During the riots, I’d seen people taking dangerous actions and many times pulling dumb and rash stunts, just because their peers were doing so and they could get away with it.
I’d called 911 about the chaos, and concerns expressed by me and people in my apartment building. But they couldn’t come, and we’d have to wait for the National Guard to take over, I was told. We sure wanted peace and order in our neighborhood.
Years later, I took an evening class for members of the local community at a police training facility. We got to do ride-alongs and heard presentations on what it’s like to work in law enforcement. And it inspired me to apply for jobs as a police officer — along with the appeal of getting good benefits and retirement.
One sad episode for me was being turned down by the Los Angeles Police Department. I’d passed their written and physical exams, and the panel interview. But once I started the background check, it got blocked. Admission of previous drug use (smoking marijuana) and a drunk driving episode stopped me. I appealed their decision for review, but I was told I couldn’t go forward.
Then there was the day I was taking the physical ability test at another agency — and I just couldn’t scale over the six-foot wall. That was quite frustrating.
After being offered a job as an editor on a trade magazine, I let go of the law enforcement track; until about two years ago, when a friend convinced me to take a class focused on becoming a public safety dispatcher for police, fire, and paramedics. I got hooked, and I’m still going through the process of getting into the field. I do follow the guidance of instructors — be upfront and honest with your background check investigator right at the beginning of that process.
It was frustrating to have done so well in the Peace Officer Standards and Training (POST) public safety dispatcher course, but then to get mediocre test results that stopped me from going forward in the hiring process. After a few rounds of it, I was given a suggestion by a loved one that I might want to go see a psychiatrist about living with attention deficit hyperactive disorder (ADHD). That was likely hurting my test scores, and could become a real problem working as a dispatcher.
It became clear to me that I had ADHD during the dispatcher exams. During the test, I might be given notice that I had to finish the exam by a certain time — and then my attention would just drift away, like a sailboat leaving its slip. I’d felt overwhelmed by all the details, the stress, the time factor, and watching class mates get up and hand in their exams while I had quite a few questions left to answer.
The therapy sessions and medications — Wellbutrin and Adderall — did make a signifiant difference, helping me to stay focused under pressure. My test scores went up to where they needed to be, and I better understood why agencies were strict about test results. They need to make sure that dispatchers can get through all of it successfully, as there will be many days like that ahead in the job.
McNamara was living with a lot of stress and distraction, and I could understand her being on Adderall to stay on track. I’m not familiar with that it’s like to take Xanax or fentanyl, but I understand they’re becoming quite a problem for a lot of people — especially opiates or derivatives that include fentanyl. That seems to come from the pain and discomfort she’d been living with for a long time.
I’d learned more about fentanyl in recent years hearing about the deaths of two of my favorite artists. Prince died after taking counterfeit Vicodin that had been laced with fentanyl, and Tom Petty's autopsy showed he had three kinds of fentanyl in his system. I’d also heard that Xanax was a common medication prescribed for anxiety disorders and depression.
McNamara knew she was being consumed by tracking the killer and writing her book. She wanted to be there for her daughter and husband, and for friends and family who missed her quite a bit. But being the interviewer, researcher, and writer was a big part of who she was. As her book’s subhead read, it was the obsessive search for the Golden State Killer.
The life of the writer
I’ve found out that if I ignore this part of me, I'm in serious trouble. I have to honor that I'm a writer. I love what I do. Even if I never make one penny more from my writing, I expect to keep doing it the rest of my life, which I like to think will be for quite a few more years.
If I have writers block, I might have to just sit there for a half hour, eventually typing just one sentence. The next day I might type two sentences. But eventually the flow will come back, and then another challenge comes up — stopping when I know I should stop, but I just can’t stop. If that wreaks enough havoc, I will take an earlier exit next time.
Being in my writer’s mind — at least the part of it that can be carried away and absorbed in the words — I might very well be late for work, or an appointment, or responding to what was said to me.
It’s not easy for someone living with the writer. I know that from feedback and body language I get from my partner.
So there is the question of working within boundaries; working within reality. I do need to make a living and get chores done around the house. I do need to be present with family and friends. I do need to have fun. I do need to get work done and follow through on my commitments. I do need to take care of my health.
McNamara was known well for being who she was. She wasn’t there to impress people, which had probably been alluring for Oswalt — who’d built much of his public persona around being a real person with his own sense of humor. He wasn’t going to wow Hollywood with his good looks and dynamic persona — but like her, he’s the real deal. Just watch his standup comedy to get a good sense of him, and some of the authenticity and fun they’d had in their relationship.
So I tip my hat to Michelle McNamara for contributing all she could. And for offering me, and many other people, a cautionary tale about the reality check of pushing all of it too close to the edge.
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